Three dollars and some change

Summary: John Sheppard has managed to get himself in some strange situations, but that's nothing compared to the mess he's in now.
Pairings: Sheppard/McKay AND Sheppard/Teyla. Humor me and read it, if only to see if I can pull this one off :) As such, insert the required slash warning here.
Rating:: PG-13 for swearing and some sexual implications from Sheppard's sick, sick mind.
Disclaimer: Sony and MGM own all things Stargate Atlantis. I'm only borrowing and will return them at the end of the fic.
Setting: Around the middle of the second season, no real spoilers for anything.
Author's Note: Where the hell did this come from, you might ask? I watched a bunch of McShep fan vids last night and just had to write this. It might be a bit rambling, but since it's Sheppard's train of thought, it makes some sort of sense.
Word count:: 1,229

~*~

There are days that Sheppard wants to find himself an Ancient time machine, hook it up, and go back about two years, so when General O'Neill offered to let Sheppard's younger self go on the Atlantis mission, he could have given the General a great big Fuck You.

That way, he'd never have ended up in this position.

It all started with Teyla. She's strong and she's smart and beautiful and she's willing to stand up to him when he's wrong; and she's on his team and therefore completely untouchable.

Still. He finds himself in her company way too often, in sparring practice or on the weapon range. He gravitates toward her table during meals, sits next to her at briefings. They share glances while the scientists are rambling or when Elizabeth is offering warm words of caution. They don't even have to speak any longer, it's like they know what the other is thinking. They have trust and they have friendship, and there is nothing in all of the Pegasus galaxy that John would trade that for.

Except he knows that he doesn't go to sparring practice for the exercise. He doesn't sit with her at meals because she lets him have her desert, unless it's blue Jell-O, in which case she gets his desert. He can't ever let himself get close to her like that, no matter how much he wants her. Getting his ass kicked in sparring practice lets him work off his tension, only to replace it with another kind of burn.

John's pretty sure Ronon's got it figured out. The man's not dumb, for all he doesn't talk much. He was watching Teyla pretty close for a while, close enough to worry John, but that's faded into the background for now. Now, he just watches them all, one eyebrow cocked in permanent bemusement.

Elizabeth may have seen it; but John doesn't want to think too much about that. Weir's not military, but John can't let himself think of anything that might remove Teyla from his life like that.

And Rodney...

Well.

If the thing with Teyla is the only thing John has to deal with, he'd be fine. Suck it up, smile real wide, and no one would really care. Teyla isn't military and after all, things happen between men and women, especially ones so far from home.

But Teyla isn't the only thing.

~~~~~~~~

John just doesn't get it. He's straight. Damned straight. Very straight, and he's got the track record to back that up. He has male buddies, lots of them, and he never thinks about any of them like that.

When he first joined the Atlantis mission, all McKay ever did was piss John off. Rodney was too arrogant, egotistical, self-centered, undisciplined. Back then, he was everything John hated.

Only he wasn't like that at all.

So he blew up a solar system. He also keeps saving the lives of everyone on Atlantis, pulling yet another McKay Miracle out of his hat. That Czech guy, Zelenka, he's smart too, but McKay is something more.

Somewhere along the way, Rodney became a friend. They never spend any off duty time together, mostly because Rodney always heads down to the labs to berate the other scientists, but John just completely understands Rodney.

He wonders if he's the only one.

He's not sure when it started becoming a little bit more. Patting Rodney on the back as he passes, a tiny smack upside the head when Rodney's acting like an ass.

And if John's the only one who understands Rodney sometimes, there are days when John thinks Rodney's the only one who understands what he's saying.

So yeah, if that was all, John could still pretend he was straight.

That's not all.

It's no secret that Rodney and Teyla don't understand each other. Neither one of them can comprehend a damned thing about the other. How many times has John translated for them? He calms the air before Teyla blows her top, or distracts Rodney before things get out of hand.

John wants to pretend it's a chore, being the middle ground between the two of them, but it's not.

It feels too damned good.

~~~~~~~~

He realized how truly screwed he is a few months ago while they were on a mission, scouting a new planet. The native folks had let them set up their tents, and offered them some drinks for their dinner.

The beverage tasted just like beer back on earth, and John didn't realize until after he'd downed the first cup that it was a hell of a lot more potent. Vodka potent.

Rodney thought the drink smelled like lemons and wouldn't touch it. Teyla had a few sips, which might have explained why she chose that night to call Rodney on his bullshit.

John sat across the fire, watching them argue with each other, idly wondering if he should ask Ronon to take Teyla's gun away before she decided to shoot McKay.

Their voices rose over the crackling fire, Rodney talking faster and faster, and Teyla not letting Rodney shut her down. John could tell they were both surprised with how the other was responding, but they kept going, neither wanting to admit defeat.

John found himself drinking more of the potent beer, needing to keep his mouth busy as he watched them. They were both on fire. For the first time, John didn't have to be between them. It was amazing to watch, and yet he felt left out.

Around about the time he drained his third drink, John had decided that what Rodney and Teyla needed was each other. Opposites attract, right? They could stop fighting and confess their undying love and have ten children, each brilliant eggheads that could fight off a Wraith barehanded, and rule the Pegasus galaxy.

John wondered if there was something in the beer besides alcohol.

But how to get them together? John tried to picture the two of them together, Rodney and Teyla, and came up with a blank. No matter how he tried, there was no way he could get his mind around that one.

Until some strange and fucked-up combination of his mind and the alcohol twisted in his head, and he could picture it, Rodney and Teyla and him, and it suddenly made sense, everything fit and had a place and a meaning. He had the perfect solution, a way to have everything he'd ever wanted.

Luckily, Ronon had come over and dragged off to his tent before he said a word.

Thank god for Ronan Dex. Damn Ronon Dex, all the same.

~~~~~~~~

That's his real problem these days. He can't stop thinking about Rodney and Teyla like that, in ways that would undermine every bit of trust he's built up over two years.

John wants things to go back to the way they used to be, just idle thoughts of nothing in particular. He doesn't want to spend hours mediating between Teyla and Rodney, doesn't want to feel this euphoria when they agree on something for the first time. All it does is fuel that traitorous voice in the back of the head, that it's the first step to making his impossible fantasy work.

He can't want one without the other. He'll never have either one.

Maybe he'll ask Rodney to build him a time machine for Christmas.

the end