Three dollars and some change

1: Four AB drabbles are up to do with mouths HERE (go R&RPLZOMGTHNX)
2. Another New addition to the AB/HP list: Intrigued:Edward takes a contract on Harry Potter and witnesses the final battle with Voldemort. So begins a partnership filled with respect and colored with obsession. Throw in a trip to America with a helping of vampires and werewolves just to be unsafe. (NC-17) WIP by kkcme.

Then the funniest thing I've written in a year. Maybe.



Summary: Sheppard tries to explain baseball to Teyla, especially this one team on Earth with really interesting nicknames. Teyla falls for it. Rodney chokes.
Rating: G as G can get.
Disclaimer: Sony and MGM own all things Stargate Atlantis. I'm only borrowing and will return them at the end of the fic.
Setting: Immediately after "Intruder" (2.02), no spoilers for anything.
Word count:: 1,108
Note: My total and sincere apologizes to Abbot and Costello.

~*~

Rodney glanced up briefly as Teyla and Sheppard sat down at the table, but then he went back to his datapad. He had over a month of reports to go over, and so much crap to wade through. Really, were these people stoned the entire time he was gone?

"And what else did you do on your time on Earth?" Teyla asked Sheppard as she carefully arranged her lunch tray.

Sheppard slurped at his tea. "You know, catching up on the games, the scores."

"Yes, your 'football'."

McKay snorted, then quickly went back to pretending he wasn't paying attention. Sheppard gave him a look. "Yeah, football, but it was also baseball season. Got to watch a couple of games while I was polishing my medals."

Honestly, it was like being around a perpetual fourteen-year-old. McKay hit the datapad more savagely than normal to avoid commenting.

"Baseball..." Teyla mused. "Yes, Dr. Zelenka told me about this game. It is the one with the fist-sized ball and the three bases?"

"That's it." Sheppard paused, then set down his glass. "So, Zelenka told you how the game works?"

"Yes," Teyla said. "He suggested that we might be able to use the large enclosure on the Southwest Pier for such a game. He was quite enthusiastic about it."

"Fancy that." Then Sheppard's smile changed to that dangerous smirk he had, right when the shit was about to hit the fan. "Did he tell you how the baseball players on Earth all have really interesting nicknames?"

Rodney's heart started to sink. Sheppard wasn't... He couldn't...

"Such as?" Teyla asked innocently.

"Well, there's this one team I heard of. The guys they have on the bases have the coolest names. Who's on first, What's on second, and I Don't Know is on third."

Teyla frowned at Sheppard. "I thought you were going to tell me the names of the players."

"I did. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third."

Farther down the table, Dr. Simpson started choking on her salad.

"I am not sure why you are asking me," Teyla said, beginning to sound a bit put out. "I do not know this team at all."

Sheppard shrugged. "I'm just telling you."

"So who is on first base?"

"Yes."

"No, what is his name?"

"Who."

"The man on this first base."

"I told you," Sheppard said with exaggerated care. "Who is on first."

Rodney tried to think of something to say, but he tried to speak and choke at the same time, and ended up in a coughing fit.

Teyla leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest. She took a deep breath. "What is the name of the person on first base?"

"No, What's the name of the second baseman," Sheppard shot back. Around them, the entire commissary had fallen into a disbelieving silence. "Who's on first."

"I am asking you that!" Teyla sounded a little touchy. Anyone else would have backed off from antagonizing Teyla at that point, but then Sheppard was never noted for his intelligence, Rodney recalled. "Who is playing first base on this team?"

"Yes, exactly!"

Teyla stared at Sheppard. The room seemed to hold its breath, waiting to see if Teyla would throw a chair at the newly minted Lieutenant Colonel. After a minute, in a much quieter voice, she said, "Then who is on second base?"

"No, Who is on first," Sheppard said. "What's on second."

There was a fascinating tick developing at the corner of Teyla's mouth. "Is the player of the second base not human?"

"What? No, he's human."

"Then why do you refer to him as 'what'?"

"Because that's what What is."

"That's what who is?"

"No, that's who What is," Sheppard said. "Don't you get it?"

"No, I do not know--"

"Oh, he's on third base," Sheppard continued, ramping up his smirk. From somewhere in the room came the sound of someone's head hitting the table.

"And how did we get to third base?" Teyla asked dangerously.

"A very good question." Sheppard wiped the smirk off his face and sat up like a schoolboy. "And we haven't even started on the out-field yet."

Teyla uncrossed her arms and laid her hands flat on the table. Rodney twitched, waiting for one of those hands to punch Sheppard in the nose, but no violence ensued. "Fine, Colonel Sheppard. In your team's out-field, who is playing left-field?"

"Why," Sheppard said. "And also, Who's on first," Sheppard said, Rodney mouthing the words along with him now.

"I did not ask you who was playing first," Teyla snapped. "I asked who was--" She pointed a finger at Sheppard as he began to open his mouth. "Playing left-field?"

"Why."

"Because you suggested we talk about the out-field players."

"No, Because is center-field. Left-field is Why."

Teyla narrowed her eyes. "What are you talking about?"

"What's on second, not out-field," Sheppard explained. "Although I'm sure he could make do in a pinch."

"Who are we talking about?"

"Who's on first," Sheppard said again.

"Who's on first base?" Teyla repeated.

"Yes."

Teyla blinked at Sheppard. "Who is on first base?"

"Yes, now you've got it."

"I've got it?"

"Yes, Who's on first."

Rodney fumbled to pick up Sheppard's mug and took a long gulp of the cooling liquid, to calm his throat. He'd have to talk to Elizabeth. Maybe the Daedalus came through a rip in the fabric of space, and Rodney was in an alternate version of Atlantis where this made sense to someone. It had to be, because in his world, this couldn't be happening.

Why? Because, and he's in center-field, Rodney thought, and started sputtering into the mug.

"Can we say 'ew', Rodney?" Sheppard said, grabbing his mug back. "Go spit in your own cup."

"Whose cup?" Rodney managed to ask.

He was saved from a bloody death at Teyla's hands when Elizabeth came over his earpiece. "Rodney, Colonel Sheppard, Teyla, can you all come up to the control room? There's something happening up here you should see."

"Sure thing," Sheppard said immediately. "Shall we?"

Without a word, Teyla shot to her feet and stalked out of the commissary, past their appreciative audience. Sheppard grabbed Rodney and hauled up, then along. "Colonel, I can walk!"

"You heard the good doctor, we have to go see something" Sheppard said. He let go of Rodney's arm as they entered the transporter. Teyla was already there, staring straight ahead. As Sheppard moved to hit the screen, he said, "Teyla, you really ought to hear about the guys this team has playing the in-field..."